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August 31, 2006

Not until I'm ready for you can I have it all

More sighing.

Current plans: Looking for a new therapist (since the most recent one, who I've given about five sessions, isn't really working out for me, and is also a huge flake). Also looking for a psychiatrist, since perhaps my malaise and panic and anxiety and general agitation could be because my drug regimen needs tweaking.

For a therapist, I'm looking for one who does body-based therapy, maybe focusing. This is because I'd like a more active approach than just plain old talk therapy. Insights, I gots plenty. Better ways to interact and stay calm, that's what I'd like some help with.

At least the work world is stroking my ego. My current freelance boss loves me, and a regular client just called to give me more work, and praised my previous work as she was giving me the assignment. This is all good, because I was having a nervous breakdown in Francis's arms last night about how I am a huge failure at everything I attempt.

Must remember: "Me=failure" is my irrational hindbrain talking! MUST NOT LISTEN! Maybe I could get a lobotomy? Yeah, that's the ticket.

Posted by Rose at 03:02 PM | Comments (2)

August 29, 2006

I want so badly to believe that there is truth, that love is real

The fun never stops around here.

My mom's sister died this morning. I knew from talking to my mom this weekend that the end might be near, but I've heard that before, regarding my aunt, so I was a little surprised that it was true this time. I guess it's always true eventually.

I feel kind of guilty for not being more upset than I am. I'm sad, but mostly for my mom and my cousins; my aunt sounded like a real headcase, and I never knew her very well. Like my mom, she talked in platitudes and clichés, and I never found her to be someone I desired more of a connection with.

And now I'm speaking badly of the dead. Go, me.

I got a surprise email from a different aunt last week, one of my daddy's sisters. She sent along a photograph of my dad, his three brothers, and his brother-in-law and nephew.

brothers 002.jpg

That's my dad, third from the left. Of the four brothers, two are dead, one's in an asylum/state hospital, and the last one is doing fine, living in Arkansas. At least one of the four made it to a happy, ripe old age.

Looking at that picture is weird for me, because I always thought of my dad as a big, strong guy, and here he looks right scrawny. But I realized that this picture was probably taken in the early '60s, when he was still working desk jobs and had a drinking problem, and was long before his decades of manual labor. Lifting and toting will fill out a guy.

Posted by Rose at 05:51 PM | Comments (2)

August 28, 2006

Give me mine back and then go there, for all I care


Back to acupuncture. It's a relief, it's good stuff, it's helping a lot. But it's hard, too. I don't pretend to understand how it works, but the concept of freeing things up, letting things move around that have been blocked, it's a pretty powerful concept. In practice, it's sometimes a little overwhelming, particularly when emotional stuff is what's freed up.

A few folks have asked about my being down; I can't really talk about it. I'm so stuck, and I'm afraid that anything I do to change the situation I'm in will only make things worse. My acupuncturist asked me how much longer I'm going to put up with this, and I really didn't know what to tell her. I can't tell the difference between being patient and being a fucking idiot.

Have definitely been getting more exercise, and that's been terrific. Still not running, so the four-miler on Sept. 9th is out, but like I said, there are a lot of races in the fall, and I'm determined to make it to at least one starting line (um, and finish line, too).

Francis and some NPL friends and I did the Haystack hunt last weekend, and it was wonderful. We walked from the tip of the city to 23rd Street, with only a couple of short train rides; I was happy to see that my stamina could sustain nine hours of walking. The puzzles were very well set, and incredibly enjoyable. My team came in second, by only four points, and we'd apparently been swapping the lead all afternoon with the team that won.

I've got a fair amount of freelance work lined up, so that's going pretty well. We're nearly done with the close of the next issue of $pread, too, and I'm super proud of it; it's even better than the last issue.

Tomorrow'll be a year since Katrina. And things are still all fucked up, with no end in sight. I'm too horrified to talk about it; Teresa Nielsen Hayden has done a fine job over at Making Light of summing up what needs to be said in her entry "Le travestie exécutif".

Posted by Rose at 07:09 PM | Comments (1)

August 04, 2006

We'll forget the tears we cried

I feel as though you ought to know
That I’ve been good, as good as I can be,
And if you do, I’ll trust in you,
And know that you will wait for me


Is there anything the Beatles aren't good for?

More hard weeks and months. Acupuncture has been very helpful for the migraines, but I'm on a month-long hiatus while my acupuncturist is on vacation, and I don't think my body had quite consolidated all the help from the acupuncture yet. That is to say, I'm not quite ready to make it on my own. Headaches have abounded and rebounded, and mostly ruined a trip to San Antonio, where I was invalided and unable to stay up late playing wonderful reindeer games.

I've returned home to more angst, and the million-dollar question. How can I be worthy of another's love? I don't know that any of us is ever worthy, that love is itself always a leap of faith. And I, impetuous girl that I am, am always ready to leap first, but when no one follows, well, I find myself crashed on the rocks below.

Which is where I am now. And as I am off alcohol for the duration of my acupuncture vacation, I can't even drown my sorrows in a fine martini. I'm depressed enough to sleep, though, so that's the order for the night.

When the heat abates it'll be fall running season again, and I'm sure as hell ready to lace up my shoes. I'm hoping I can train for a four-mile race that's the day after my 35th birthday, but if I don't make that one, there will definitely be other short-distance runs I can do before the weather turns cold. I'll get back on the pavement this year, I know it.

Posted by Rose at 10:27 PM | Comments (3)