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September 14, 2006

I am wiser now, I know, but still as big a fool concerning you

Finished the fantastically enjoyable work over at National Geographic Adventure, which led directly to a few hours of work today for a marketing company that made me sign a non-disclosure agreement! I haven't signed one of those in ages. And I haven't been in such a ridiculously fancy office in ages, either. It all made me roll my eyes, especially when I was offered "coffee or espresso"; I said I'd love some coffee, light and sweet, please, and was told, "Oh, we don't have regular coffee. You can have cappuccino or espresso."


Today was much sadder than the other days have been. I keep thinking of things not done, and having moments where I feel like I'd rather be miserable, but in the relationship, than miserable and out of it. Things weren't working, I know they weren't working, and yet I am so, so fucking sad. I guess today is a lesson in the "bargaining" part of grief; I keep trying to make the deal in my head, "I would put up with anything, just to have him back!" But I *had* that deal, and I didn't like it very much. In fact, putting up with everything I had to put up with in order to have him? Pretty much sucked.

But the not-having! The not-having sucks just about as much.

And that brings us to the "anger" portion of today's grieving program: Why did it turn out like this? Why? WHY?


Posted by Rose at September 14, 2006 09:51 PM


ah, sweetie, would that we all had the answer to that question. Sometimes, when things repeat for me (and they have recently), I grudgingly have to admit to myself that I seem to keep giving myself variations of the same lesson because I still haven't really, truly gotten it. Not saying that's so for you, but if you do have any sort of a pattern going, it may be worth considering?
And please be gentle with yourself, mmmK?

Posted by: caroline at September 15, 2006 01:38 AM

The sad part is so different from the angry, isn't it? *sigh*

I joined you in the crying-on-the-subway club yesterday. Aaand the crying in Century 21, the crying at the Tasti-D-Lite, the crying at the dentist's...

Here's what I do know. Morning Yoga class with Rose + brunch with Rose = Goodness. Fullness. And *coffee*, not sumfun' else, from Todd. You are wonderful, my dear.

Posted by: Lorinne at September 15, 2006 02:05 PM

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