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September 13, 2006

There's no accusation that comes as a big surprise (not this time)

Well, it's done and over. Life is long and strange, so I don't rule out some future involvement with the pain-and-misery-causing boy, but for now, we're kaput.

I feel so strangely numb. I mean, sure, I spent the first few hours bawling, and have periodically burst into tears over the last couple of days, but for the most part? Just numb. Somewhat relieved. I told someone (who told me I was being awful, but she was busted up with laughter) that it's a little like when you have a loved-one who's been terminally ill for a long, long time, and there are lots of scares when you think they're going to die, and you get all worked up, but then they don't, and then, finally, when they die, you're just kind of left there going, "Oh. Huh. I was expecting that. I'm sad, but I'm not surprised." And you're not as hysterical as you were the first time you faced the death. And partly (secretly, shamefully) you're relieved.

We ended it in public, in the West Village, and as I walked away crying some Jesus freak tried to tell me about how he's "been going through some heavy stuff lately, too, but [he] could tell me something that would help," and I had to fend him off. The rest of the way home, I was just the pariah on the train, crying silently. Mostly I was just wet-eyed, but the tears weren't actually falling. Then, in Brooklyn, near my stop, I had started weeping again, and a woman stepped over to me and, without speaking, handed me several tissues. It was so sweet of her, so dignity-restoring and kind and thoughtful. I wondered later if she'd ever been the one crying on the train, or if she just was filled with empathy.

Like I said, though, the tears are less frequent now. I've had some bursts of anger, a few bursts of sudden tears, and a whole shitload of numb disbelief. I tried so hard to make this relationship work. I wanted it so much. In the end? I wanted it too much.

Maybe I should be looking into Buddhism. I mean seriously, dude, I get it: Suffering is inherent in life. Desire is the cause of all suffering. I'm on board here. Yo, Buddha, wanna lend a girl a hand?

Posted by Rose at September 13, 2006 01:47 PM


Ah, Rose. I send you many, many hugs. This news does totally suck. When I go through these times (going through a milder but still no fun one right now) I tell myself that each hour, each day puts more healing between me and him. More persepctive. It's so hard when they come into your life for only a brief time.
How lovely that kind woman reached out to you. May there be more kindness and less pain for you in the days ahead, chica. Sending you love and light...

Posted by: caroline at September 13, 2006 07:53 PM


thinking of you today...

Posted by: gotcha at September 14, 2006 09:53 AM

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