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September 04, 2006

There's beauty in the breakdown

More good, more bad.

Yesterday I woke up at 8 am and decided to go to a yoga class, at Jaya Yoga. Super-nice place, and my new plan is to go three times a week. If I do that for a month, I'll get an unlimited pass. I used to do yoga three times a week, way back in another lifetime, and I loved it. It doesn't seem crazy that I'll renew my love for it now.

I attended the basic class, and that was just right; I didn't need a beginner class, because I know the poses, but the next level up clearly would have been too hard. In this class, I felt challenged, and like I have a lot of room to improve, but I've got a pretty good grasp of the fundamentals. Not too bad for a twelve-year absence.

One of the poses was very intense for me, despite being a "restorative" pose. We lay with one block under our shoulder blades and another just at the base of the head, and then we were to relax our arms at our sides. The intent of the pose was to open up the chest. What was fascinating for me is that three points my acupuncturist works on a lot are in the exact same area, one dead-center on my breastbone, the other two a little higher and to either side. All of those have to do with emotions and adrenaline and agitation and stuff like that. Feeling that area open up and release was incredibly powerful, and I almost wept. I would have, if we'd held the pose for much longer.

That was all the good stuff. Bad stuff: I'm still the walking wounded. Thanks to the miracles of clonazepam, I don't quite feel like throwing myself off anything tall, but it's just not the right drug. It dulls my affect, which is good in that it keeps me from being totally hysterical, but bad, in that even happy things don't quite feel right. I'd like to retry Ativan, if my new shrink agrees. I can't keep shuffling through the days full of pessimism, feeling defeated.

Which is another thing. The fellow in question and I have chosen to take a break, by mutual consent, but it's not feeling good at all to me. I understand that the benefits of such a break are longer-term, and wouldn't probably be apparent after only three days, but still: I hate silence. I hate silence more than I hate just about anything else in the world. This brings up one of the fundamental discrepancies in the relationship. I think silence is easy for him, that it feels natural and right to him to say, "Hey, let's take a break." Whereas for me to suggest taking a break means that I'm at the end of my rope, can't think of anything better to try, and am desperate. And now that we're taking the break, I imagine that it feels like a relief to him, calm and pleasant and like it's giving him space to relax, while for me it feels tense and frightening and oppressive.

There have been other things like this in the last few months. He needs me to be patient; I am impetuous and headstrong and tend to act first and apologize later. And because I'd like to be less impetuous and all the rest, I've been trying so hard, for so long, to do a better job, to be a better person, so that I can have this relationship work out. But today I'm feeling sad and pessimistic and hopeless.

At least tomorrow I have an acupuncture session scheduled, and I should hear back from the new shrink, and I'm planning to go to yoga in the evening. I'm trying so damn hard to deal with my shit, to take it on and get better at things. At 35 (in a few days), though, it so often feels like too litte, too late.

PS -- There was more good today, actually: Francis and I went to the West Indian Day Carnival, on Eastern Parkway, and there were yummy foodstuffs and spectacularly dressed people and some rocking steel drum music. But the lift that gave me only lasted as long as I was there; that's not really acceptable. I'd like something nice like that to cheer my whole day up, you know?

Posted by Rose at September 4, 2006 04:27 PM


Hi - I live near Jaya Yoga and went to the parade today and am trying to get back into running again.

This might be a little weird, but thought I'd throw it out there - maybe you'd like to join me for a loop around Prospect Park? I run at about 11-12 minute pace at the moment and will most likely need a few walk breaks. I might join up with a Slope Sports group on Wednesday evening, but I'm worried that I'll be the slowpoke and that's no fun.

Posted by: valerie at September 4, 2006 05:18 PM

good for you on the yoga. i've never tried that pose... maybe on my own sometime and see what happens? i'd like to start a little daily practice... nothing huge. i do feel better when i do it, it's just not terribly relaxing with a 2yo climbing all over you.

re: "be a better person." i don't know that being what he wants is necessarily being a better person... just perhaps fitting in better with HIS desires. you are being the best Rose you can be, and nobody does it better than you!

xoxo, k

Posted by: gotcha at September 4, 2006 11:44 PM

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