February 25, 2007

And I bet that some of the people who buy these still think that the human race is too sophisticated to have evolved from apes

Rose re-pointed me to an article I saw on Boing Boing, about a Maryland legislator who wants to ban fake testicles that hang from trailer hitches. Now, being a New Yorker, I haven't seen any of these personally, but I have read about them before. Still, reading about them isn't the same as seeing them, and it was this impulse that made Rose track down the website associated with a fellow quoted in the article: "David Ham, founder of Your Nutz, a San Diego-based business that sells more than 200 kinds of fake testicles."

Let us pause and reflect on that number. More than 200 kinds. Of fake testicles.

Of course, not all of those are for trucks. Some are for keychains...which seems even weirder. At least I understand the visual pun of putting a ball sack on a truck. "My truck is so macho it has testicles! Ha ha! Now let's shoot or drink something." But fake nuts on a keychain? That seems to be saying "yay for balls!" more than anything else. Which is certainly a sentiment held by a certain segment of the population, but those aren't the people I would expect to be shopping at this website. Anyway, let's take a look at some of the other items on offer.

You'll be the "Bell of the Ball" with these. Are they meant to actually be used as cowbells? I have no idea.

These light up in multiple colors, just like real testicles!

Earring nuts. Because earlobes aren't fleshy and dangly enough.

If you ever get bored of pretending your truck is a big ol' studly dog or whatever, liven things up by pretending your truck is a big ol' studly dog that has been kissed on the balls by a human female.

Show your patriotism (and your dedication to the idea that our elected leaders shouldn't be getting any) with Red, White, and Blue Balls.

Here's a list of some of the more fanciful-sounding colors available, many of which sound more like they should be nail polish shades than descriptions of vehicular genitalia:

Sun Kissed Sienna
Sophisticated Black Granite
Cocoa Brown
Dark Forest
Clear Ghost
Purple Fog

Finally, here are two models of camouflage testicles, one with a POW ribbon and one with a yellow "Support the Troops" ribbon. It's nice that they offer crass people a way to voice their support for our soldiers, but why aren't there also testicles for people who want to protest the war? Where are the Abu Ghraib truck testicles with realistic plastic electrodes?

So those are the sort of products that Mr. Myers wishes to ban. An ACLU spokesperson said, by way of criticizing the proposed legislation, "The solution to speech we don't like is more speech." I agree with that, although I'm not sure what form that speech would take that wouldn't involve using the word "testicles" at some point, which seems like the sort of thing that would also upset Mr. Myers. Maybe bumper stickers that say, "Prevent overcrowded roads -- neuter your truck today."

Personally, I think the legislation is silly. But I think we can all agree that chrome-plated scrotums should not be displayed in our children's libraries.

Posted by Francis at 11:03 AM

"Kissed on the balls by a human female"? Isn't that illegal in the states where these are popular?

Posted by: Rose at February 25, 2007 11:13 AM

This is such a hot topic there's even an Oscar-Nominated Animated Short on the subject!

I give you No Time For Nuts.

Posted by: Lorinne at February 25, 2007 11:45 AM

In defense of my home state, I feel I must point out that Mr. Myers' district is the panhandle, the part that might as well be West Virginia. (As opposed to the equally sophisticated Eastern Shore, where the KKK wanted to adopt a highway.) Those of us who grew up in the central part of the state generally think the other two parts are bugshit crazy, and we are usually proved right.*

I love the illustration in the Your Nutz page headers. The ladies just can't resist a man with fake testes, yes indeedy.

* Um, setting aside that recent incident with my home county buying into an abstinence-only sex education program that had kids share the same piece of chewing gum to demonstrate how STDs are passed along.

Posted by: Debby at February 25, 2007 02:21 PM

This strip (and the next few days worth) from Achewood may be that "more speech" the ACLU guy was talking about:


Posted by: John at February 26, 2007 02:41 AM

Excellent!endeavoring to convey buy wow gold eu.

Posted by: buy wow gold eu at October 22, 2013 06:41 PM
Post a comment

Remember personal info?