Heaneyland!

Jimmy Carter (Extended Remix)

I contributed lots of pieces to Modern Humorist's now-out-of-print (but available used) "Rough Draft", and was pleased with the presentation of pretty much all of my contributions, but I was always a little sad that the full version of my rendition of Jimmy Carter's Playboy Interview didn't get used. (Only the final question and its response appeared in the book.) So here's the long version. Enjoy.

THE PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: JIMMY CARTER

The details of Jimmy Carter's history are common knowledge by now, and the winding path he took from peanut farmer to presidential candidate has already been mapped out many times. But there is one question the public may still not know the answer to: Who is Jimmy Carter?

When Carter agreed to our request for an interview, we made a vow to challenge him with questions that would force him to reveal more than just a party platform, but unveil the man inside. We had no idea how well we would succeed.

PLAYBOY: After nearly two years on the campaign trail, don't you feel a little numbed by the routine -- for instance, having to give the same speech over and over?

CARTER: Sometimes. But usually I can find something that's unique about a particular audience. Maybe it's a man who looks like I'm really starting to change his mind. Or a child who might believe I really want to help him. Or a really beautiful woman. And I try to talk directly to those people. Sometimes I'll even talk to them personally after a speech, or give someone my phone number. These things keep me going.

PLAYBOY: Every politician probably emphasizes different things to different audiences, but in your case, there's been a common criticism that you seem to have several faces, that you try to be all things to all people. How do you respond to that?

CARTER: I think I'm as honest as I can be with people about what I believe. But I do admit that, in some sense, I want to please everyone. However, I think this is just part of the strong feeling I have toward the American people. I don't want to leave anyone unsatisfied. Jimmy makes sure everybody goes away satisfied.

PLAYBOY: Both the press and the public seem to have made an issue out of your Baptist beliefs. Why do you think this has happened?

CARTER: I think religion scares people, even though the majority of U.S. citizens would say that they were religious people. Still, for many people, any religious faith apart from their own is bound to remain somewhat mysterious and perhaps even suspect. But these distinctions are really only cosmetic. I have the same desires as any other man -- perhaps more so.

PLAYBOY: We've heard that you pray 25 times a day. Is that true?

CARTER: I don't keep track. But it's true that you can often hear the phrase "Oh, God" coming out of my bedroom.

PLAYBOY: There seem to have been relatively few women in important staff positions in your campaign. Is that accurate?

CARTER: Not exactly. Women have been in charge of our entire campaign effort in many states, and beyond that, I have many women on my staff, from the bottom of my staff to the top, up and down, up and down, oh yeah.

(At this point, a press aide indicated that Carter was running late for another appointment and that we would have to continue the interview later. As the interviewer and the Playboy editor rose to leave, a quick, seemingly casual question was tossed off. Carter then delivered a long, personal monologue while his press aide glowered and pointed at his watch. The interviewer signaled to Carter that they were still taping, to which Carter nodded his assent, or maybe he just coughed, but here it is anyway.)

PLAYBOY: Do you hope to reassure people with this interview, people who are uneasy about your religious beliefs, who wonder if you're going to make a rigid, unbending President?

CARTER: I do. Because I'm not rigid -- except when it counts. Then I am rock hard. But I am human. I am human and I am tempted.

For instance, I have lusted in my heart after those bitches, you know the ones, they've got their miniskirts right up to their ass and their nipples pointing straight through their T-shirts, man, I just want to grab them and throw them on the floor and fuck them all night till they finally know what pleasure is, because let me tell you, you ain't had pleasure till you've had Jimmy pleasure. That's right. You know what I'm talkin' about.

Christ said, "I tell you that anyone who looks on a woman with lust has in his heart already committed adultery." So that's why, as soon as I feel that lust, I figure I might as well get the pussy if I've already committed the sin, if you see where I'm coming from. And God forgives me for that. Because that's what God does. It's a pretty fucking sweet deal, if you ask me.

Christ also said, "Don't consider yourself better than someone else because one guy screws a whole bunch of women behind his wife's back while the other only screws one woman behind his wife's back because he's not that great a lover and he just can't get more women to fuck him." I do not look down on men who cannot leave their women screaming into their pillow as they're being pounded from behind, the way I can.

Now let me tell you something about cunnilingus. (Continued on page 317)

Posted by Francis at 02:36 AM