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April 05, 2005

Long strange trip already

I've only been in Louisiana for about a day, and I'm unmoored and restive. Here are a few of the sorts of anecdotes I'll be trotting out at cocktail parties:

Two of my friends' websites are blocked by the Gonzales library computer system as "forbidden content: 'pornography'". (Radosh.net and Eccentric Flower) The newspaper appears to be in large print. I'm tired of saying sir and ma'am. I don't want to have a blessed day.

It isn't that we don't chitchat in NYC, but I feel certain, having thought about it some this afternoon, that the style is different. Here there is more of a phatic quality to it, with less content. Maybe someone's done a study, I dunno.

I'm emotionally exhausted already, and I've got nearly 75% of the trip left to go. I feel very far from home, spatially and temporally. I feel both very alone and very lonely. I feel needier than I can remember feeling in at least five years.

Oh, and I feel guilty about feeling in such wretched, self-involved turmoil, because, as some of you will remember, it's my mom who's the one who's sick. She's never seemed to have much existential angst, though. It's just not her style.

She's doing pretty damned well with the rectal cancer, honestly, even with the various indignities and physical assaults that the chemo, radiation, and disease itself are providing. She tells me that God is helping her get through this, and who the hell am I to say otherwise.*


*We have already had very uncomfortable discussions about religion. While I am certainly grateful that her faith brings her comfort and strength, I don't actually share it. This subject was broached within two hours of my arrival, and seems likely to prove a strong, dangerous, and ever-present undercurrent to every other conversation and activity throughout the week. As I said above, I am very tired.

Posted by Rose at April 5, 2005 06:35 PM

Comments

Rose, please know that we're thinking of you here at Pornography Central in Boston. (Todd was very amused to see Gonzales is blocking his blog.) Remember, you'll be back home in New York soon enough, and if that thought doesn't keep you going, there's always beer.

We're also glad to hear your mother is doing well, and if she finds that her faith is helping her get through this, so much the better for her. Just grit your teeth, smile, and nod politely when she talks about religion. Or at least tell her that you'll be happy to talk about any other topic but that one, and hope she'll take the hint.

Posted by: Debby at April 5, 2005 08:28 PM

That's one good thing (sometimes the only good thing) about trips to Louisiana: you always return home with good stories to tell. And sometimes you get good food while you're there, too. Best of luck with the remainder of your visit.

Posted by: jette at April 5, 2005 10:17 PM

Sounds like you are having a tough time down there. I'm a newb to the ROAk ring so we havent really met, but if you need an ear, I'd be willing to listen. I lost my mom in November, semi-suddenly. I used to tease all the time, "if it's not one thing, it's my mother" (And I'm a Lawn Guylander, so no worries about sirs and ma'ams with me! *s*)

Anway, hang in there, and when the trip is making you feel ess than sane, just remember, it's just a point in time. YOU CAN and WILL get thru it =)

Posted by: Dani at April 5, 2005 11:10 PM

ah, chica, I send you hugs. going 'home' again is always fraught and never more than when there's illness or upset. do you know of that book by Diane Mariechild called "Mother Wit"? It dates from the 70s but has been in print since then, on and off. It has a circle-and-protect yourself visualization exercise in there that I use a lot but especially when I'm around my mother and/or family. If you can't find it, email me and I'll jot it down for you. It's brief and very effective for letting in the good and bouncing most everything else. and it isn't religious at all, heh. hang in and keep writing...

Posted by: caroline at April 6, 2005 09:33 AM

hang in there. william gibson's last novel ("pattern recognition") dealt with the subject of jet lag as being the process of your body slowly reeling your soul in from whence you came... souls stick to home, and thus do not easily leap upon planes. perhaps yours will get caught up soon and you'll feel better. however, if this post is too close to religion for you, just mentally erase and substitute some boring platitude.

julia has been raving about you since she got home! watch out... i think she wants to run away and live in your trunk...

thinking of you today...

Posted by: gotcha at April 6, 2005 09:36 AM

Wow -- and I thought New Jersey was bad. Hang in there Rose. I'm sure your mom's glad to have you there.

Posted by: cindy at April 6, 2005 12:12 PM

You are welcome to hop over her to north Texas and stitch and bitch with beers or margaritas and make fun of the "locals." Even though I've been here 26 years... there ARE odd quaint customs in the S-O-U-T-H.

I'm glad the prognosis for Mother's health is good... that'll give you more time to understand and accept each other just the way you are, rather than keep hoping the other would be the way you'd hoped! Pick up the book My Mother, My Friend by Mary Marcedante if you need pointers. If all else fails, remember the Curmudgeons wail: NOT NOW, I'M COUNTING.

PS: The Harlot's blot in liberal Canada won't let me type in "TEXAS"... how's that for limiting speech!

Posted by: Dana at April 7, 2005 08:43 PM


I'm so sorry to hear about your Mom - my most fervent wishes for a speedy and thorough recovery for her. She *is* young, even if she has had some past medical problems, so I think it's reasonable to be optimistic for her. If her doctors are optimistic, that's surely a good sign.

Louisiana sucks; this is not news. Sometimes I think it would be better to be near my mom, but then I wake up. I will just keep trying to bring her out here.

Posted by: ana at April 9, 2005 12:47 PM