You can pretty much always expect the promotional copy on the back of any box of food to be pretty hackneyed, but I enjoyed the extra layer of wussiness in this blurb, from a box of Parmesan Basil Wheat Thins: "The great taste of this deliciously simple snack may leave you dreaming of an authentic Italian trattoria."
"May"? Really? This is what copywriting has come down to? The other snack I had this weekend, Hippie Chips "Lime Is On My Side" baked potato chips (yes, it actually exists, and yes, of course it's made with hemp, do you even need to ask?) is not afraid to dub itself "the World's Greatest All Natural Potato Chip", although it's true that one is prone to hyperbole when one is high, so maybe that's what happened there, and they just didn't have room to add "according to Moonshadow, right before he tried to walk on the surface of the kiddie pool."
But "may"? How frickin' lawyered up are they over at Wheat Thins Central? Do they really think they're going to see a slew of letters like "Dear Sirs or Madams or Some Combination Thereof (But Probably Predominantly Sirs If I Know Anything About Corporate Culture): I recently purchased your Parmesan Basil crackers and did not, as promised, dream of an authentic Italian trattoria. Instead, I dreamed about the Nintendo characters Mario and Luigi trying to stuff giant mushrooms down the front of my shirt. Accordingly, I am returning the unused portion of the box and request a full refund. Sincerely yours, etc."? Come on now. I have been trained over the years to expect outrageous unsubstantiated advertising claims on my product packaging, and this disappoints me. Step up to the plate or get out of the game, Wheat Thins.
Apparently I've lost my blogging mojo. Even when I have something to post (like my two most recent Onion crosswords -- both right-clicky-savable right here if you want 'em: this week's and the one before that, plus Across Lite if you need it), I generally don't get around to it right away. For those of you interested in what little hastily-thought-out smart-assery I am producing, you should follow me on Twitter (I'm fheaney there), where you may enjoy updates like these:
Self-Help Songs:
What Color Is Your Submarine?
The Five People You Meet in the Hotel California
Gaydar will tell you if someone is gay, but to find out how gay, you need a gayger counter.
Further research shows first letters of Schwarzenegger's answers on Tonight Show plugging "Jingle All the Way" spell "This movie is awful."
Dullest Horror Movies Ever:
Let Me Show You My Slides From Last Summer
Snooty Children's Books:
Where the Wild Things Summer
And to Think That I Deigned to Put in an Appearance on Mulberry Street!
Are You My Mother's Cleaning Woman?
How to Eat Pan Roasted Worms With Broccoli Florets in Vinaigrette
Bleak Bumper Stickers:
How's my driving? Good, I hope. Sometimes I feel like it's the only thing I'm actually any good at.
Bad Superheroes:
The Man Who Can Disparage Anything by Changing Its Initial Consonant to a "Shm-" Sound
Gentle Metal:
Delicate Matters Handled With Minimal Expense
Master of Muppets
Everyone in the Jungle Got Together to Buy You This Welcome Gift Basket
Oddly Prophetic Movie Quotes:
"Forget it, Jake. It's a country that doesn't allow extradition to the U.S."
...and it kind of goes on like that. So anyway, join up if that sort of thing seems possibly amusing to you. And keep checking back here. You never know.