January 22, 2007

Putting the "rap" into "group therapy"

I just stumbled across a humor piece I wrote three years ago, sent to one or two places (where it failed to sell), and forgot about. Fortunately, it is, like almost all of my work, entirely lacking in topicality. Here it is.

by Francis Heaney

Francis Heaney: Hello, and welcome to “Let’s Talk About Mics.” I have with me tonight many of the finest rappers in hip-hop today--as well as some old favorites--to join me in a round table discussion about their relationship to that most important piece of stage equipment, the mic. Adrock, of the Beastie Boys?

Adrock: I use the microphone like Picasso used clay.

FH: That’s interesting, because clay was not really Picasso’s primary medium, although he was of course a master of it as well. What about you, MCA?

MCA: I rock on the mic from here to Bombay.

FH: Which is on the same continent as Tibet, I believe. Let’s hear from some other people.

Maestro Fresh Wes: I grab the mic just like a Magnum.

FH: I assume you mean the weapon, and not, like, a magnum of champagne. (laughs)

Maestro Fresh Wes: (no response)

FH: Okay! Does anyone else have a similarly violent reaction to the act of holding a mic?

Coolio: I blow up the spot everytime I grab the mic and hit it, hit it.

Cormega: When I recite I hold the mic like a nine.

FH: And a nine is...a gun?

Cormega: (no response)

FH: From context, I’m going to assume that’s a gun. Yes, Kool Moe Dee?

Kool Moe Dee: When I’m on the mic, it’s something like World War II.

FH: That sounds traumatic.

Kool Moe Dee: I get on the mic with tunnel vision.

FH: Well, if focusing helps you get through it, that’s great. Anyone else?

Lakim Shabazz: Call me an undertaker, I use my mic like a guillotine.

FH: Oh, I like that you’re not bound to the visual similarity of a microphone to a gun. That’s very creative.

Lakim Shabazz: (blushes)

Esham: (interrupting) Every time I grab the mic, I leave blood stains.

FH: That’s...sort of disturbing. Maybe you shouldn’t grab the mic so hard. What are some ways one could relate more gently to a mic?

Magic: I treat the mic like a blunt.

FH: For those of you who don’t know, a blunt is a large marijuana cigarette, almost more of a cigar. Definitely a peaceful, reflective vibe there.

Marky Mark: I smokes mics like a Phillie Blunt.

FH: See, that’s why we’re having this round table, so we can find out that we have these things in common.

Q Strange: I’m blessin’ the mic like it was sneezin’ and shit.

FH: Now that is a very positive method of interaction.

Buddah Bless: I melt the mic like it’s plastic.

FH: Okay. I guess that’s more passive than violent.

B Real: I hold my mic like my dick.

FH: Well, that doesn’t sound violent...but doesn’t that depend on how you hold your dick?

B Real: (no response)

FH: So, I expect this is an eye-opener for anyone who thinks that there’s no variety in rap music, because I’m hearing a lot of different approaches to the problem of rocking the mic.

Vanilla Ice: I rock the mic like a vandal.

FH: Oh! I didn’t know you were here. Thank you for your...um...input.

Vanilla Ice: I rock the mic like I’m a fanatic.

FH: I’m sure you do.

Sandy “Pepa” Denton: I rock the mic like Anita freak a love song.

FH: I assume you mean Anita Baker--

Ice-T: Every time I rock the mic I leave you wishin’ for more.

Parrish Smith: I rock the mic like a wild beast savage.

FH: Okay, but now we’re getting--

Kid Rock: I’m rockin’ up on the mic with no consideration.

Kenzie: When I rock the mic, I ride the mic raw.

Brother Marquis: I rock on the mic like no other on the mic.

FH: Yes, you’re all unique, but--

Kool Moe Dee: I’m the only real micaroni, playin’ the mic like it’s supposed to be played.

FH: Hey, let’s not belittle each other.

LL Cool J: I rock the mic, unlike some brothers I know.

MCA: When I’m on the mic, the suckers run.

FH: Please, please, everyone! You all rock the mic. Let’s try not to take this so seriously.

T-3: I’m the motherfucker gripping the mic like it’s a joke.

FH: You certainly are, T-3. Thank you. (pause) Good. Does anyone have anything they’d like to say before we go?

Big Daddy Kane: When I grab the mic, believe you’re gonna hear a fascinating rhyme.

FH: Well, now, that is refreshingly literal. I think that’s all the time we--

T-Bone: (quietly) When I grab the mic I start to panic.


FH: Oh, my God, T-Bone, I had no idea. Please, stick around after we’re done so we can talk some more. This has been “Let’s Talk About Mics.” Thank you for listening.

Posted by Francis at 08:17 PM

It'd probably be funnier as an audio piece. Or not.

Posted by: Doug Orleans at January 22, 2007 09:41 PM

I don't know, if it were audio I'd probably feel like I should use the actual audio from the songs all the rap lyrics are taken from, and then the intonation wouldn't really work in the context I've put them in.

Posted by: Francis at January 22, 2007 09:52 PM

HA! It's great. Who knew the absence of response could be so funny?!!!

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