January 11, 2007

Back to the drooling board

A rejected piece from the book of humor about dogs:

You Sissies
by J.J.

Grr because you shouldnt do a thing like that as act like you might walk into my yard with some pieces of mail God help us all if a stranger should come all dartingeyes and softankles I wouldnt have to look at them twice I know what people like that have on their mind wanting to do us dirt grr or wanting to take my bones and Ill grr by God get their greedy hands mangled make them bleed for their jealousy my nose is itching me always when I think of birds I feel I want to I feel a flame in me a slobbering hunger all through my head back belly and sides a murderous urge oh if theyd just shut up grr there they are again tweeeeeeet oh they gripe me remember the boy who walked by with a dog if you please oh youd think noone had ever bitten off a chihuahuas ear before and what if I tore a hole in his brand new trousers thats what you get keeping chocolate in your pocket grr I know well who is the fiercest dog in the universe better than the others howling down the alley they cant touch me so there ever since the day I got trained to kill on command grr but I held the biscuit on top of my nose grr that was 6 years ago my God and he said I was a growler of the mountain so we are all growlers all the pitbulls everywhere grr and I liked him because I saw he was unfriendly and would bite the world himself and I knew I could trust in his malice and he taught me to say grr and I wouldnt growl at first only barked out over the hedge and the fence I was angry at so many things he couldnt see or even smell but he taught me about the neighbor dogs barking in their yards with their thousands of fears grr and O I felt the deepdown anger O and the calm the calm that smolders like fire grr and I left the thin little yaps to the dogs in the pink and blue and yellow houses for I am a Growler of the mountain grr when I bury bones in my yard like a gravedigger would unless I broke his neck grr and how I stop you in your tracks at the gate as you think well I guess there are other houses as I tell you with my eyes to back away grr because he taught me grr to say grr my mountain growler and first I wrapped my teeth around his arm grr and pulled him down to me grr so he could feel my breath all dogfood grr and his pulse felt quick on my tongue and grr I said grr no you dont Grr.

Posted by Francis at 09:40 AM

You should republish this on June 16th.

Posted by: Coach at January 11, 2007 10:15 AM

When I saw the humor about dogs thing in the last post, I was excited. (Dog person here.) All I can say is, my head exploded when I tried to read this.

Hope the other stuff is better.

Posted by: Janice in GA at January 11, 2007 10:42 AM

Brilliant, just brilliant.

Posted by: saphir at January 11, 2007 11:27 AM

Finally, the missing interior monologue from "The Angriest Dog in the World."

Posted by: Debby at January 11, 2007 03:13 PM

Dear lord.

Posted by: Rubrick at January 11, 2007 05:05 PM

Molly, old girl, you are a bitch.

Posted by: RichM at January 11, 2007 08:36 PM

roverrun, past Spot and Fido's....

Posted by: Matt at January 12, 2007 05:14 PM

maybe they didn't get it?

Posted by: ruby at January 18, 2007 02:08 PM
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