November 02, 2006

That's what he was talking about

There was a very vocal fellow on my train car this evening. At first, he was trying to engage a black man sitting across from him in conversation -- which consisted almost entirely of his praising the large asses of black women, proclaiming how nice it was to have a black ass sitting on one's face, and explaining how white women wish they had asses that could compare with those of black women. People all over the subway car were shaking their heads sadly (or having sudden fits of uncontrollable laughter) and exchanging what-is-with-that-guy glances. It's nice how nutjobs bring people together.

Anyway, the man that the nutjob was trying to talk to got off the train, at which point our admirer of black asses simply began delivering his thoughts in monologue form to the subway car at large. I soon decided that his remarks should be transcribed: lovin'. That's what I'm talking about.

I'm Puerto Rican.

The white girls, they jealous. They ain't got no kind of ass.

I could take a black girl like you, take your big ass and put it on my face and just let it stay there. If you don't like it, fuck you. Jealous. That's all they are. Jealous. These white women wish they could have a Puerto Rican guy suck their ass.

Up to this point, our assman had stayed remarkably on message: black asses = large = good. I was thinking that there were more than a few Democrats who could learn something from this man about taking a simple message and sticking with it. God knows it works for the Republicans. Although the fellow had admittedly had one John Kerry-ish moment when he compared having an ass on one's face to a Chinese restaurant. This was earlier, though, before he was talking to the car at large, so it was hard to hear. I thought he was comparing a black ass on one's face to a Chinese restaurant, because you get big portions at a Chinese restaurant. Lorinne thought he had been making an unfavorable comparison of a Chinese restaurant to a white ass, because you get too many bones in both. Alas, wussy reporter that I am, I did not ask him to clarify.

Anyway, apart from the "Chinese restaurant" remark, he'd had one basic thesis and stuck with it. But then he seemed to become interested in another woman on the train -- if I read him correctly, a white woman sitting across from us (I'd guess late 30s to mid-40s, using a Palm Pilot). I feel this digression was an error, diluting his message. What happened to his firm stand on white women being unacceptable to him, because of their skinny asses? He was just a flip-flopper like everyone else. The transcript continues:

Now that is a sexy older woman. She's got some sexy-ass legs.

Just imagine in your mind that woman, old as she is, lookin' pretty like that, wrappin' those sexy-ass legs around your neck and you just eat it up. That's what I'm talking about.

Yo! You guys like us, we would beat up the whole train, trust me. Look at that woman, older woman. Beautiful, sexy legs on that woman. I don't even know how to behave. Look at those, bro. And then she's an older woman, very intelligent, very highly qualified. Guys like us can't even fuck with that. Trust me, we can't fuck with that. But you imagine those sexy legs wrapped around your face? I would love it. I would love to get strangled by those legs.

I don't know how to fuck her with a computer. [Laughs] I know how to play with those legs, but you give me a computer, I don't even know how to turn shit on. That's my life. I know sex to the fullest. But a computer? I can't fuck a computer for shit. I'm serious. I don't know how to play with a computer. But a pair of legs like that? Believe me, yo. I would play, like, Chinese checkers.

Chinese checkers? Once again, he had lost me. But it was moot, anyway -- we had reached our stop (and, to my relief, so had the woman to whom he had seemed to turn his attention; I was only too happy to be reassured that he and she were not going to end up getting off at the same station). Also leaving the car at the same station were the two young white woman who had been sitting across the aisle from him the entire time we'd been on the car, one of whom had a shapely, rather generously proportioned backside, which he had refrained from calling any attention to whatsoever (I assume because it contradicted his thesis). He really did remind me of the Republicans with his oratorical technique: stay on topic, ignore contradictory evidence, try to make women think you're on their side. I hope it'll be a losing strategy for them both.

Posted by Francis at 02:00 AM

I can't wait for the next edition of "What search terms did people use to find Heaneyland?"

'sex with a computer'
'sex with a Chinese restaurant'
'sex with Republicans'

Posted by: Scott at November 2, 2006 07:06 AM

I'm going to try really hard to start using "I would play, like, Chinese checkers" as a conversational tool.

Posted by: The Dan at November 2, 2006 10:06 AM

To clarify:

I don't find that Chinese cuisine involves particularly many bones, but that *is* the analogy I thought I heard.

It's completely absurd, but he had such conviction.

Posted by: Lorinne at November 2, 2006 11:50 AM

"I don't even know how to behave." Sellin' himself short, that guy.

Posted by: Rubrick at November 2, 2006 03:07 PM

So, whose ass is bigger, Lorinne's or Rose's?

Posted by: Ernesto at November 2, 2006 03:56 PM

Size isn't so important to me, Ruby...I mean, "Ernesto".

Posted by: Francis at November 2, 2006 04:06 PM

Let me know who "lance" is while you're at it. I've been wondering.


Posted by: RD at November 2, 2006 04:21 PM

Hey, I can't blame that guy. Being another Puerto Rican, I know I love some big ass. And, for the most part, white girls don't have it. And, if they do, it's sloppy fat ass. I am more a fan of the bubble-butt variety, and I'm sorry to agree with the guy on your train ride, but white girls really don't seem to have them all that often.

He's just telling it like it is.

Computers? That's another story entirely.

Posted by: nomo at November 2, 2006 05:10 PM




Posted by: RD at November 2, 2006 05:18 PM

That's what I miss about NYC- crazy shit out of nowhere. Tampa sucks.

Posted by: Jessica at November 2, 2006 07:00 PM

It wasn't out of nowhere, I was responding to Francis.

Posted by: RD at November 2, 2006 08:46 PM

Ruby: Um, I believe Jessica was referring to the man's subway monologue as "crazy shit out of nowhere", not your comment. As for Lance, he is a regular person named Lance, and if you're making a joke by asking that, I am (as seems so often to be the case) not getting it.

Posted by: Francis at November 3, 2006 12:11 AM

this hole thing feels so warm and soft....hum ass=good flat=bad

Posted by: isidro at November 3, 2006 09:41 AM

Francis: Um, I believe I was making a joke of pretending to believe, you know... in a crazy-shit way, that Jessica was referring to my post(s), but, again, thanks!

Posted by: Rube at November 3, 2006 11:15 AM

Oh, dear Lord in heaven. This was the funniest blog entry I've read in a long, LONG time. My sides ache and I am wiping away tears, I've been laughing so hard here. Thank you, Francis. This was the first time I've read your blog and now I just have to add it to my list. I look forward to your future posts.

Posted by: Joe at November 5, 2006 02:15 PM

Have anybody pointed out that this guy is an ignorant fuck? And, gives Puerto Rican's a black eye with his..... whatever it is.


Posted by: Paul at November 5, 2006 06:10 PM

Paul, I think no one pointed out that the guy is an ignorant fuck because it's really obvious. But thanks for the sobering shot of righteous indignation.

Posted by: Shagpoke Whipple at November 5, 2006 06:26 PM

Wait, what about me?

Posted by: Lance at November 5, 2006 09:42 PM

Don't worry, you're still the most ignorant fuck of all. Must you be such an attention whore?

Disclaimer: The above text is a meaningless joke made for its own sake because the opportunity presented itself. It does not represent the opinion of the author, nor, to my knowledge, the host blogger. Void where prohibited.

Paul, this unintentionally hilarious fuck is very likely bordering on mentally ill and/or is a chemical abuser. Still, the only thing he appears to be ignorant of is public/pc decorum --I trust his account of his perceptions/experience and of his own taste. I think at least some non-Puerto Ricans he encounters will understand these things, or know many more Puerto Ricans who are nothing like him.

Posted by: RD at November 6, 2006 10:38 AM

Perhaps he meant to express that no matter how much ass one has in one's face, less than an hour later, one desires still more ass in one's face, similar to stereotypically described Chinese food.

Posted by: Tablesaw at November 8, 2006 01:03 PM
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