March 07, 2006

Sunday in the Parking Lot with Pimps

I didn't see Crash, so I can't really offer an informed opinion about whether it deserved to win Best Picture. But I did see performances of the three Best Song nominees, and seriously now, "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp" was not the one I thought was going to come out on top.

Anyway, this morning, Lorinne (who was equally underwhelmed by the Academy's choice) came up with an idea for an alternate-universe version of the Best Song winner, and between us, we thought it might go a little this.

It's Hot Up Here (for a Pimp)

Pimp 1:
It's hot up here.
Acting rotten is monotonous.
I'm dodgin' bullets.
These are not my best bitches.

Pimp 2: (whiny)
I can't even find my bitches.

Pimp 1:
I hate this street.

Whore 1:
Our clients have forgotten us.

Whore 2:
The rats are squeaking.

Pimp 2: (spoken)
My outfit is slightly more garish than necessary.

Whore 1:
Hello, pimp.
You know it's hard for both of us
Out here, pimp,
With cops, pimp.
They stop, pimp,
In cars beside the curb
And wave me in
And they don't tip me, pimp.

But cops can not be found
Any time a gun gets pulled
That's when you come around
And bash the bastard's skull.
Yes, thank you, pimp, for that --
Your baseball bat.

All Pimps:
Well, there are worse things than pimpin' in an alley on a Sunday.
There are worse things than pimpin' in an alley
While you're hatin' on the playas
Who are ridin' in their Caddys
And are stealin' all your clients --

Pimp 2:
And I lost my bitches!

All Pimps and Whores:
It's hot up here
Get shot up here
Clock Glocks up here

You got no time
For kicks out here
Turn tricks out here
All through the night

If you don't have
Street cred up here
You're dead up here

So make folks think
You're worst up here,
Then persevere
And hustle tight...
And it's a'ight!

Posted by Francis at 01:39 AM

That is brilliant. I can't help visualizing Bernadette Peters as Whore 1...

Posted by: saphir at March 7, 2006 08:06 AM


Posted by: Rhu/nmHz at March 7, 2006 08:13 AM

I kind of see Charles Kimbrough as Pimp 2.

Posted by: Francis at March 7, 2006 08:24 AM

Huh. The crowd I was watching it thought "Pimp" was a close second to "Travelin'" and both left "Deep" far behind.

Posted by: Marc at March 7, 2006 09:54 AM


Posted by: Trip at March 7, 2006 10:04 AM

Marc: While I am of the opinion that Dolly deserved the Oscar, I think I probably would've been even more annoyed if she'd been beaten by the intolerably bland "In the Deep".

Posted by: Francis at March 7, 2006 10:48 AM

For the record, "Hard Out Here" is about thirty times better in the movie (performed by the actors) than it was at the Oscars, where it was crappy and disorganized. According to the Boston Metro, Terrence Howard was advised by friends not to perform the song live and "represent the African-American community as a pimp."

Having seen all the songs in the context of the movies, the best one won.

Posted by: The Dan at March 7, 2006 10:56 AM

Okay! If Bernadette is Whore #1, can I play Whore #2 (I'm perfect to say that line), and cover the role of Whore #1? And PLEASE can we get Michael Cerveris for Pimp #1?

Also: William Ivey Long hasn't had enough flamboyantly garish costuming jobs. Give him a call.

Posted by: Lorinne at March 8, 2006 04:46 PM
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