Heaneyland!

"I'll have the nonexistent sauce, please."

Today Rose and I attempted to go to a comedy thing in the East Village (it was sold out by the time we got there; this was possibly Gawker's fault), and as we were running late for our 7:30 appointment with the friend we were meeting, we opted for a speedy McDonald's dinner, there being a branch of the loathsome fast food chain right outside the Delancey Street subway exit.

It's always frustrating when you do not get to enjoy the one thing McDonald's has going for it -- speed. We waited far too long for an order of McNuggets because we had to wait for a new batch to get fried up. I suppose I should have suggested that the various 6-piece boxes of McNuggets which I could see might be combined into one 20-piece serving, but I wasn't sure they would go for it.

Anyway, our McNuggets arrived, and, as is my wont, I asked for all three sauces: barbecue, sweet and sour, and hot mustard. And, as always happens when I do this, the person behind the counter stared at me in great confusion. Because, you know, they generally ask you if you want sweet and sour sauce or barbecue sauce. It is as if the hot mustard sauce does not exist. (And "hot" is quite the misnomer, but that's a whole other story.) I see it every time: the clerk isn't sure what I'm asking for; I ask them to look under the counter to see if they have any mustard sauce; they find it and are marginally amazed, as if a very very tiny miracle has been performed -- as if, say, Jesus had turned water into slightly colder water.

So this brings me to a question I've had for a while -- did there used to be a fourth McNuggets sauce? I have a vague recollection from my childhood that there was, but if that's true, I have no recollection what it might have been. (Teriyaki would make a good sauce, but somehow I don't think McDonald's would have been nearly hip enough 20 years ago to give us teriyaki sauce.) Anyone remember?